The B.A.A. 5k is just under six weeks away, and having started my training for the personally impossible feat of running three miles, I am reminded of last year’s race and am faced with the very real fact that I have made absolutely no progress, at all, in the past year.

I am frustrated this morning.

I have devoted a lot of the past year to trying to get myself on track. I have set so many goals, and achieved some of them. I had decided this was the year I was going to nip this thing in the bud once and for all so I can just live my life a little bit healthier, so we can be that much happier. I have had a pretty bad habit of stringing together three good weeks, and then allowing myself to give up and making excuses for why I gave up. I chalk it up to my general fear of commitment.

This morning when I weighed myself I was 200 pounds, which is 6 pounds heavier than five days ago, 11 pounds heavier than three weeks ago, and 27 pounds heavier than 2 years ago. This week’s gain is impossible, right? There is no way I ate 21,000 excessive calories this week. I’m frustrated with how hard this is all turning out to be.

I wish I could be upbeat and optimistic and say I’m going to be fine and I’ll jump right back in, but I don’t feel like that is possible right now. I am frustrated and I want to give up. I’m frustrated with my body and with my lack of willpower, and I’m mad I can’t drink a glass of water without bloating 6 pounds.

I guess the productive thing to do here is to take this anger and turn it into energy. Turn the potential energy into kinetic energy, and turn the I-want’s into I-have’s, but I’m just not feeling the self-help mumbo-jumbo right now.

I was just about to write, “I don’t know what to do.” But, that’s just not true. I do know what to do. I know how to lose weight and I know how to motivate myself. Nobody ever said this was going to be easy, but the undeniable truth is that it is necessary. If you’re feeling as frustrated as I am, read this: nobody can be awarded the luxury of giving up on themselves, because this is too important. Getting to a healthy weight and instilling healthy habits is too valuable. Why would you want to live a great deal of your life unhappy, unhealthy, and unable to do things because you lack the energy?

If you’re like me, and have a great amount of weight to lose, it’s not going to be a short-term project. I’ve already accepted this as something I will have to be conscious of the rest of my life, but I’d like to not be “battling” my weight for another minute. One bad week, one bad month, or one bad year are not going to hold anyone back from getting to a healthy place. One bad decision doesn’t mean you have to make all bad decisions. And furthermore, one bad decision shouldn’t be an excuse to make all bad decisions. Don’t eat a cookie and say, “oh, now that I’ve had that cookie, I might as well eat this burger, fries, and 12 beers.”  Shut that behavior down. (I’m mostly talking to myself here, so bear with me).

And, go for a run.