The B.A.A. 5k is just under six weeks away, and having started my training for the personally impossible feat of running three miles, I am reminded of last year’s race and am faced with the very real fact that I have made absolutely no progress, at all, in the past year.
I am frustrated this morning.
I have devoted a lot of the past year to trying to get myself on track. I have set so many goals, and achieved some of them. I had decided this was the year I was going to nip this thing in the bud once and for all so I can just live my life a little bit healthier, so we can be that much happier. I have had a pretty bad habit of stringing together three good weeks, and then allowing myself to give up and making excuses for why I gave up. I chalk it up to my general fear of commitment.
This morning when I weighed myself I was 200 pounds, which is 6 pounds heavier than five days ago, 11 pounds heavier than three weeks ago, and 27 pounds heavier than 2 years ago. This week’s gain is impossible, right? There is no way I ate 21,000 excessive calories this week. I’m frustrated with how hard this is all turning out to be.
I wish I could be upbeat and optimistic and say I’m going to be fine and I’ll jump right back in, but I don’t feel like that is possible right now. I am frustrated and I want to give up. I’m frustrated with my body and with my lack of willpower, and I’m mad I can’t drink a glass of water without bloating 6 pounds.
I guess the productive thing to do here is to take this anger and turn it into energy. Turn the potential energy into kinetic energy, and turn the I-want’s into I-have’s, but I’m just not feeling the self-help mumbo-jumbo right now.
I was just about to write, “I don’t know what to do.” But, that’s just not true. I do know what to do. I know how to lose weight and I know how to motivate myself. Nobody ever said this was going to be easy, but the undeniable truth is that it is necessary. If you’re feeling as frustrated as I am, read this: nobody can be awarded the luxury of giving up on themselves, because this is too important. Getting to a healthy weight and instilling healthy habits is too valuable. Why would you want to live a great deal of your life unhappy, unhealthy, and unable to do things because you lack the energy?
If you’re like me, and have a great amount of weight to lose, it’s not going to be a short-term project. I’ve already accepted this as something I will have to be conscious of the rest of my life, but I’d like to not be “battling” my weight for another minute. One bad week, one bad month, or one bad year are not going to hold anyone back from getting to a healthy place. One bad decision doesn’t mean you have to make all bad decisions. And furthermore, one bad decision shouldn’t be an excuse to make all bad decisions. Don’t eat a cookie and say, “oh, now that I’ve had that cookie, I might as well eat this burger, fries, and 12 beers.” Shut that behavior down. (I’m mostly talking to myself here, so bear with me).
And, go for a run.
I think the reality of it all is, grinding each and every pound is really how you succeed in the end… takes time, and a ridiculous amount of sheer will power not to give up.
I can relate a little, with just starting anew this past week. Exercise isn’t enough for me, I have to count calories. Making a calorie deficit, even with very reasonable numbers, is mentally and physically taxing for at least a few hours each day, if not all day. But now is the time to work on my health, so I must.
At this point I am combining stubbornness with the good fortune of being healthy enough to exercise. No more fun foods (not a popular conclusion but experimentally I do better this way.) My food is planned in spreadsheets, in part to ensure good nutrition, and I weigh everything but vegetables and meat, which are done visually. I am counting on the feeling good from exercise to eventually outweigh the bad of being hungry and tired.
So as you are hanging on each day, I am too, and likely will be doing so for the better part of a year in order to get where I need to be.
I hear ya. I have to be so careful with food because I can SO easily go overboard. It can get unbelievably frustrating, especially when I think I’m in the clear but when I actually (retroactively) count my calories, whoops! I’m over my daily allotment. But it’s nice to see results, either on the scale, in my energy levels, or with my attitude in general, when everything works out and I’ve forced it to fall into place (because it just never does it on its own).
Spreadsheets are amazing, by the by.
I LOVE your line – nobody has the luxury of giving up on themselves. No one else has given up on you, so why would you give up on yourself? You swam a MILE not too long ago, that is HUGE. Just take it one day, one meal at a time. You have a huge support network, and like it or not, NOONE is giving up on you. Now get out there and kick butt. I need you at that 5k. And throw out that scale – it sucks.
I believe in you!! I know you can do it. I’m convinced that sometimes my body just wants to weigh more some weeks. You’ll bounce back, no problem.
Also I feel like I should mention that if you’re feeling down, Broga will pick you up. Absolutely nothing brings me up like Rob does. It’s the best thing I do by far.
Right in the feels. I overdid it with food this weekend, then overdid it some more because I already overdid it.
My counter-strategy is vegetable soup. I make a giant bowl full of vegetables, broth, and some tofu for protein and get bloated on that. Better than getting bloated on burger and fries. The fullness from that also allows me to cut back to half a treat rather than a full treat if I get a hankering later in the evening.