My gut has returned in all its glory.

Usually, well... historically, I reserved Wednesday's for posting the weigh-in stats. For years, every week I posted all of the stats collected by our tracking system, shared them to the public (or at least my mom and dad), and let people check in on my progress. Recently, I've gone on a hiatus from the blog for various reasons, and with that I haven't been keeping up on the weigh-in posts either. Since I've gone on a bit of a hiatus, the pounds have packed on at an alarming rate.

Last night, semi jokingly / semi-seriously, Carley (our trainer) said that our late night sessions have recently turned into more of a therapy session than a training session. He and Ellie pointed out my lack of motivation, lack of desire to workout, lack of drive to eat healthy, and really my failure to pursue a healthy lifestyle in general. I think they are both A) sick of dealing with it and B) wanting to help me get back on track. The interesting thing is, that wasn't the first discussion of the day regarding my lack of motivation or follow through. A buddy of mine made the slightly off hand joking comment while we were getting ready to play hockey, that I really "like the idea of being on a diet" rather than actually being on a diet. He said that I've claimed to be watching what I eat for as long as he's known me, despite rampant evidence that I clearly have no self-control when it comes to donuts, bagels, pizza, tacos, and any other delicious food. Carley said that 90% of the time I'm at the gym I talk about what I am going to eat after my workout. Ellie pointed out that I try to solve our relationship struggles by providing her with food I think she likes (ie. ice cream, Tofu Nuggets, Candy etc). All signs are pointing to the fact that I have a major problem with food. 

Two separate discussions, in the same day must have been too much for me to shrug off, because it's been bothering me a lot. They are all right, of course, and I think that's what has bothered me the most. I say I'm on a diet, as I eat a bag of M&Ms, almost spitefully. I want to reward myself with Tim Hortons or Chipotle, instead of eating properly after a workout. When Ellie's upset, I REALLY do offer food as my first line of appeasement, which is counter-productive to what her goals are and sets her back further from her goals.

All of this has to change. Today I weighed back in at 203lbs, which is pretty well-earned after the garbage food I've been eating recently. I've steadily gone from 189lbs in August, to 203 in January. That's a complete failure.

Today, my coworkers reminded me that the free donuts in the break room weren't worth it, and that gentle reinforcement was enough for me to pass them over. It's time to get over my issues with food, and not need that additional push anymore. It's time to be accountable.